Received a request to write about the topic of dating and money (thanks for the suggestion, Carrine Yap!) This is an interesting topic for sure, something I haven’t done before. Rather than talking about how I manage finances in a relationship, I thought I’d go one step further and talk about how money affects my dating life.
First of all, a disclaimer. This is how money affects *my* dating life. I’m not telling anyone how *they* should date. I’m just saying, due to my background, privilege and money mindset, this is how I choose to go on dates and get into relationships.
So with that in mind, if you view yourself as a bit of a traditionalist or conservative, I ask you to skip this article altogether, or read with an open mind. Comments like ‘men should be the one to do X’ or ‘you should be more Y’ will be deleted. *You* can do that, go ahead, nothing’s stopping you. You live your life, I’ll live mine. I don’t attack you, you don’t attack me. Fair right? 🙂
Dating and Money Approach #1 – Like money, personal relationships are private matter
I rarely – almost never, actually – mention my romantic partners in my articles and social media. It’s intentional. My approach to relationships is like how most people approach the subject of money: private. No one else needs to know the details.
(I admit this is a bad analogy for my particular situation because I’m actually super open about personal finance. But you get the drift)
I omitted the info out for a variety of reasons, some of which I won’t get into. But here’s one reason I can share: I thought my relationship status doesn’t matter, especially not in a personal finance blog.
Joke’s on me, because the one and only time I posted about my dating life on Instagram, I found out y’all actually like this topic. I received a bunch of likes and comments. The request to write about the topic came from there.
While I’m happy keeping my personal life private, the popularity of that post made me think. Should I be more open about talking about relationships to get more interest for Ringgit Oh Ringgit? The digital marketer in me feels like I should capitalise on the demand :/
Dating and Money Approach #2 – Money allows me to be a feminist in my dating life
The best part of being financially stable is the privilege to choose my partners. It’s thank u, next for those who don’t fulfil my requirements, no compromise. I don’t care if this makes me too ‘choosy’ – women suffer horrible consequences if they don’t choose their partners well. My philosophy is I’d rather be happy alone than be miserable in a relationship.
Taking the feminist approach to my dating life is awesome, it benefits me and the people I date. Some things I do in my dating life because I’m a feminist:
- Make the first move and ask them out
- Offer to split the cost of first date. Sometimes they take it, sometimes they insist on paying. But I always offer.
- (In a relationship) Pay for dates. I used to insist on paying 50% of all dates, but now have implemented ‘you take this round I’ll take the next one’ approach for convenience
- Make my partners happy and secure by proving I’m not with them for their ability to provide, rather I’m with them because I genuinely like them as a person
- Valuing companionship more than marriage. It takes the pressure off for both of us. Also, I’m in no rush to give someone power over me, religiously speaking.
- Earn my own money and not expect them to subsidise my lifestyle
- Not impose gender-related societal pressures on them. Support them if they want to try out traditionally-feminine activities without judgement
- Say what I mean and mean what I say (none of that ‘I said no but you should’ve known I meant yes’ crap)
- Maintain my own hobbies and interests, attend events on my own, have my own set of friends. Talk about these with them when we’re together so they get to learn new perspectives and ideas
- Encourage mutual support in the relationship. We bring each other up, never down
- If one of us fell out of love with the other, I will let them go and break up with them instead of dragging the relationship along, which isn’t fair for the both of us
I am NOT saying I’m perfect with this relationship thing. BUT I found that my partners appreciate my values and actions, even if sometimes they don’t necessarily like the ‘feminism’ label itself. Whatever la. You can call a rose by a different name. It’s still rose.
Additionally, and perhaps against popular belief, being a feminist doesn’t hurt my love life at all. Since 22 or 23 (I’m 31 now), I was single for like 4 months in total. I’m not saying this to brag, but to prove a point.
Here’s how you can add some feminism in your dating life.
Dating and Money Approach #3 – I tend to fall for people with similar money values
Given how important financial responsibility is to me, this makes sense right? I don’t think I’ll be happy with someone who has vastly different money values than mine.
I like frugalism, thriftiness and social responsibility. Therefore, my personal turn-offs include prominent displays of luxury brands and general flashiness, like if they bling up their car or wear excessive jewellery or something. Instead of impressing me, that just shows they are maybe not that great with money management. So I might like them initially (because hormones), but will lose my crush as I get to know them.
Other qualities that I noticed I liked:
- Evidence of them spending their hard-earned money for personal growth or passion projects/hobbies
- If they are into minimalism
- Them knowing how to take care of themselves (knowing how to do own laundry, cook basic meals, perform household chores etc)
- If they’re not a gift-giver. I mean, I appreciate the thought but hate hate hate clutter. No shade to people who like doing it (‘Gift-giving’ is one of the 5 main Love Languages, the way some people show and feel love the most)
Finding potential partners is of course hard. My approach is to just keep busy and active – I usually meet my partners from events I attend. It’s a numbers game too – the more effort you put in to meet new people, the higher your chances of finding a person you like. Tinder was kinda fun and I know people who met their partners there, but I personally didn’t.
What is your approach to dating?
How does money affect YOUR dating life? Do you date people with different money values or spending habits? Did it work out? If yes, how do you guys work it out? Let me know in the comments section.