When I tell people that I’m moving to Ipoh, inevitably this dreaded question comes up:
“So what are you going to do in Ipoh?”
I’m going to be honest af right now- every time I hear that question, my heart beats faster, my mouth gets drier, and I smile (the type that doesn’t reach the eyes) while I say, “I don’t know yet, I’m still looking”.
Then usually they will give me like a “nevermind you’ll find something” and I’ll reply “yeah…” and just trail off awkwardly.
I don’t know why I’m not out and proud declaring that I’m going to be a full time entrepreneur. For goodness sake, I have a running online business called Kotak Koffee. I’m going to expand the business and make it reach new heights. Now I have more than enough time to dedicate to marketing it, and getting more products in. I could employ someone to help me with the work. Kotak Koffee has so much potential, and Ipoh is damn near perfect to continue Kotak Koffee’s expansion.
So why am I not … confident… about being an entrepreneur?
Never mind, I know the answer. It’s plain ol’ fear.
I’m scared shitless right now. I’ve always been a stable, predictable income kinda girl. I like surety. I love certainty.
Part of me is like, what if you fail?
Shit, what if I fail?
Dammit, so what if I fail? Failure is a learning process. Some of the biggest names in business failed many times. Just get back up again.
Says the numerous entrepreneurship articles I scoured. Written for people of privilege, who probably have a backup trust fund or two. I do not have a trust fund- I’m operating this business out of my own pockets and yes the thought of losing it all is very, very scary.
As a born optimist and somewhat overachiever, these feelings of insecurity are very, very foreign. I’m extremely conflicted. So much that I updated my CV and sent out some job applications so I will have a backup plan.
But that’s the thing. If I already have a Plan B, am I not priming myself to fail? It’s like riding a bicycle with permanent training wheels juuuust in case you fall down – you end up relying on the training wheels rather than the wheels.
At the same time, Kotak Koffee business plan goes on. I have my name card all designed out and everything. But at the back of my head, I’m like, please call me for job interview please call me for job interview.
I guess I just have to breathe and take one day at a time. You know what, having a backup plan is not a flaw. This is just who I am – someone who crave stability. The funny thing is, I already achieve stability in KL. I could’ve stayed at my job but nooooo I had to shake things up a bit.
Meh. Being scared is good. Being scared means that I care. Have been feeling a bit too zombie lately. Let’s see if I can make it in Ipoh. Wish me the best, you guys.
EDIT Aug 2016 : Kotak Koffee is now dead. It’s considered a failed business. It’s ok, I survived somehow – I’m now a remote worker specialising in providing writing services 🙂